This was the best day of my life
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.