[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*