I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Livid.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs