me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Good Morning.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.