Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks