As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.