[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
#dalle2
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
we all know this pain all too well
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”