I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.