Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
This meeting could have been a cake