Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You Might Also Like
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
This is I, Robot all over again
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
one last job
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?