Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.