Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Breakfast for Stoners:
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Lassie, get help!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.