A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
💁🏻♂️
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.