My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
just gave your address to some spiders
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.