*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
sleeping beauty
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs