SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.