Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber