Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.