If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown