Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.