*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”