Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
#winning
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.