A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You Might Also Like
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Catering service
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If a snake ate a cake
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK