Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Mornin
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.