How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
just pretend nothing happened
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
School be like
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I think I’m having a stroke
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
yall want some gasoline milk
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.