i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Can’t. Being lazy.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
it must be school picture day