None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Baking is just science you can eat.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.