Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
yeah no that’s fair
set yourself free xox
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.