What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it