Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[eulogy]
line?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.