What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.