No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.