My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.