i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
😬
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“you changed” bro i was 15
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When you kidnap a writer.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.