I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
are there any atheist mantises?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.