This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Meat Cute
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!