Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.