Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work