The struggle is real.
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Any refunds available?…
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
normalize having existential bread
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking