which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
The point of your 20s
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?