Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?