Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”