I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.