Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Cheers Twitter.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?