Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”