girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You Might Also Like
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.