A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me irl
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.