It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you