They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
🙋♀️
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*