Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Omg 🤣
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.